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With all the terrifying force, momentum and glamour of a lubed-up glitterball on the loose, the legendary Eurovision Song Contest is rolling its way towards us at speed. This hypercamp, often eye-poppingly bizarre and occasionally momentous pan-European celebration of music has been broadcast annually since 1956, and continues to delight Europeans and baffle the rest of world in equal measures.

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I could only imagine how this conversation started. It’d probably sound like a bad joke: One day, a leather-studded bear and a butch lesbian were sitting outside a Starbucks in West Hollywood until the lesbian turned to the bear and said, “Alright. Who do you think would win in a battle to the death? A ferocious drag queen named Carrie Cupcake or a chiseled gym rat named GoGo Gary?! Go!” She slaps the table. “Hmm,” said the bear. “Well, I’d bet you money that a killer twink named Jimmy Spears would terrify them both!” A rich startup investor then stopped while walking his Chihuahuas with his husband and lowers his $500 sunglasses. “I’d so finance a video game like that, sweeties.”

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Dandy Dicks presents a different kind of astrology. Every month, the lucky bastard isn’t the one with the forthcoming birthday, but everyone else. As each star sign progresses through the year, we’ll tell you how to land some star-struck man. This month (April 20–May 20): How to win over, romance and seduce a gay Taurean man. So if you have your heart set on winning over a solid Taurus, allow the Dandy Dicks team to give you a few tongue-in-cheek tips and tricks to grab these bulls by the horns and guide their devotion only to you.

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