ROUND ONE!
FIGHT! 

FINISH HIM.

GAYTALITY.

The day has come, ladies and queens. “Finishing” someone has a whole new meaning.

I could only imagine how this conversation started. It’d probably sound like a bad joke: One day, a leather-studded bear and a butch lesbian were sitting outside a Starbucks in West Hollywood until the lesbian turned to the bear and said, “Alright. Who do you think would win in a battle to the death? A ferocious drag queen named Carrie Cupcake or a chiseled gym rat named GoGo Gary?! Go!” She slaps the table. “Hmm,” said the bear. “Well, I’d bet you money that a killer twink named Jimmy Spears would terrify them both!” A rich startup investor then stopped while walking his Chihuahuas with his husband and lowers his $500 sunglasses. “I’d so finance a video game like that, sweeties.”

Yes, apparently, someone, somewhere, decided it’d be a great idea to knock up a gay game designer knowing it’d lead to the birth of the world’s first butt-kicking game of butt-fuckers. As if the characters in fighting games aren’t colorful enough, they just had to add every fucking color of the gay rainbow: red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet… and watch it all go to black and blue.

Welcome to Gay Fighter Supreme.

OK. Stop. I’m sure this concept’s riding you hard, and not in a good away. Apparently even that wasn’t enough setup to get you ready for this. You can go ahead and read all that again and I’ll meet you back here. 

So you heard that right.

The gay community is no longer a matter of top or bottom in the iPhone game Gay Fighter Supreme; we’re all fighting to come out on top.

In the game’s story, the first annual Gay Fight Competition was held to find America’s most ruthless LGBT fighter, but after the champion of the first competition mysteriously vanishes, the real reason for why the fight existed starts to become clear: to make the LGBT community destroy itself and brainwash the winner to carry out the nefarious plans of its anti-gay orchestrators.

“Anyone who mistakenly views the game as offensive or feels it perpetuates gay stereotypes is missing the point,” said game creator Michael Patrick in his interview with the Huffington Post’s Queer Voices. “It’s pure satire. We don’t mean to offend anyone... the message I would take from the game is that the LGBT family shouldn’t fight among each other. There are larger enemies afoot!” 

And familiar enemies the game has, for at the end of every character’s campaign you end up facing the bosses, amongst them a politician named Anne Paylin who wields her patriotic flag like a harpoon that she uses to skewer her gay opponents, and a religious zealot named Preach who’s planning to build a homophobic army by brainwashing his victims.

This game’s humor is about as tongue-in-cheek as you can get, to the point of being more like cock-in-mouth, but to be completely honest, the uniqueness of the game, as over-the-top as it may be, is definitely original, which is its strong point. It’s clever. Someone had to make a game like it, so you have to hand it to the developers. They had the balls to experiment and not fuck it up. When everyone’s giving you the shaft, take the glove off, put in the manpower yourself and see if anything comes out of it. It may be a blast, or a big mess. You can’t always play it safe. That’s so gay.

Make what sense you’d like to make out of that last paragraph.

So YES, believe me, there could nothing more worthy of tickling your gay joy sensors than finishing your opponent off by frying them to dust in a tanning booth as GoGo Gary, or making a giant fist come flying out of the chest of the killer gay bear character. If anything, Gay Fighter Supreme makes us realize the joyous diversity in our own community. It speaks a simple one message to the gay masses: we’re a fun bunch. “The idea for Gay Fighter Supreme arose from banter between friends discussing our mutual love for 1990s fighting games,” Patrick explained. “The characters are all influenced by dated jokes, pop culture icons and camp. We wanted it to be like a pride parade gone rogue.”

Though the fabulous fiasco is only $2, I have one complaint, and it’s a big one. It’s done in the style of a cell phone game for the bored and the brain-dead. In its current form, it’s a could-be fighting game reduced to a “whack-a-mole” style of gameplay that uses little flashing circles. Sadly, it gets very boring very fast. The game even had a hard time reading my taps on my mobile, which resulted in lots of lost battles. I often couldn’t even enjoy watching the silly animations. Even the simplest of fighting game controls would have turned this campy game into a little cell phone gem to play at church (because it’d be funniest to play there).

Pastor Abraham: “What are you playing Joey?”

You: Killing gay people.

When the freaky pride parade is over, I want to see this idea revisited someday in hopes of seeing it in true fighting game form. Maybe as a fun little indie on PlayStation’s store? (Goodness knows Nintendo would just adore this title on their handheld system.) In the end, I will admit, as stupid and ridiculous as the game’s premise is, sometimes we all need something stupid and ridiculous in our lives to balance out the serious and consequential. But I must end this on a serious note.

…

The twink would have won.

Sources: Handsome Women Productions, Gay Fighter Supreme