Dandy Dicks presents a different kind of astrology. Every month, the lucky bastard isn’t the one with the forthcoming birthday, but everyone else. As each star sign progresses through the year, we’ll tell you how to land some star-struck man. This month (April 20–May 20): How to win over, romance and seduce a gay Taurean man. So if you have your heart set on winning over a solid Taurus, allow the Dandy Dicks team to give you a few tongue-in-cheek tips and tricks to grab these bulls by the horns and guide their devotion only to you.

The Good

Taurus is the workhorse of the zodiac. Like his symbol, the bull, the Taurean man is a voluntary beast of burden who, despite how much he bitches about it, secretly enjoys shouldering responsibility, being productive and seeing the fruits of his hard labor. Because of his industriousness, he is very down to earth and is keenly aware of what makes the world go ‘round – money. Essentially, a Taurus is the kind of guy who will do ANYTHING to make a buck, even if it means taking on an extra job while secretly moonlighting on the corner hustling tricks for a few dollars more. This makes him a stable, work-oriented and breadwinning boyfriend who’ll keep you out of the poorhouse… so long as you don’t pull a Diane Keaton à la The Godfather and start asking him about his business.

The Bad

Stubborn! Absolutely stubborn. Once a Taurus has made up his mind, it won’t ever change. He could say that fire doesn’t harm anyone, and he’ll still be defending that position while fighting for life in the hospital burn ward. The trick is to manipulate him and craft his worldview to match your own by being the first person to expose him to new information.

But, ironically, his worst trait is his laziness. It takes him forever to start anything new, though once he starts, there’s no stopping him. At his core, all a Taurus wants to do is sit around watching Netflix marathons eating potato chips, but because he’s so painfully practical, he knows it takes a hell of a lot of money to be able to do nothing. So, he’ll be as unethical, underhanded and coldly insensitive as he has to be to make that money. And don’t expect much quality time with him, since time with you equals time not spent making money.

The Sexy

Whether it’s making money or making love, the Taurean man sees everything as work. And that’s to your benefit in the bedroom. In his mind, his job is to satisfy you, and as per his work ethic, he will do anything for however long it takes to make sure you get off. No matter how unorthodox the fetish or how experimental you’re feeling that night, a Taurus is down so long as it gets the job done. Remember, he’s sinfully lazy and just wants to do nothing… so whatever it takes to shut you up from interrupting his sleep, he’ll do it.

And as a Taurus, his erogenous zone is his neck. The constant stress, whether real or imagined, over work and money creates knots in his neck. If you want to make him feel good, give him a good neck rub and massage those strong shoulders. Also, don’t be surprised if, in his arousal, he starts attacking your own neck leaving hickies (or ligature marks if you’re a more adventurous couple).

How to Attract a Taurus

The goal is to look like you’re a safe monetary investment. So be shamelessly materialistic, trust-fund style. Overtly wear name-brand clothes, rings and watches. Show up to his place in a rental car that is nicer than your own. Hell, rent an entire living room set if you have to. Just make sure you look like you have money to burn. For better or worse, he equates “affection” with “things”, so shower him with gifts, and he’ll do the same if he’s interested in you.

What to Expect on a Date

Expect to go to a fancy restaurant or some high-class artistic venue. He will try to impress you by showing off how financially secure he is. Feed his ego, allow him to pay the check and compliment his good taste in fashion, music and the arts. As for sex, you’ll have to instigate everything, but don’t be too thirsty. Taurean men need to feel safe before starting something new. Pressuring one to have first-date sex is a bad move. And if he gives in, he’ll no longer take you seriously. In the end, a Taurus is the ultimate sugar daddy who will pay for everything and loyally keep you secure and comfortable. So long as you’re fine with him working long hours and substituting his presence with presents, you’ve hit your astrological jackpot!

Sources: Yuni (Deviantart), Flamenco Export, Desert News, Tumblr, Michael Sanderson, Leslie Lohman