Some writers write best drunk. I write best horny. And fuck, does my joystick understand a video game’s talent for delayed gratification. So close, yet so far. I’m on a hot streak, so let’s START and SELECT which candidates are overheating my game consoles – and they should be overheating yours, too. Hollywood can keep their hunks because the men of gaming are much more E-xotic, E-rotic and E-lec-tronic… (OK, that sort of worked. Give me a break – I’m typing with one hand.) But for the rest of you, make sure to use the safety strap included with your Wii remotes for a good “waggle” session. Because we’re all scoring tonight, Gaymers! Let’s see who came out to play.

1. Leon S. Kennedy (Resident Evil Series) 

I love a man who’s got it all under control, including me. Leon is as cool under the collar as he is capable of handling any situation and landing the most charming, cheezy one-liners. He’s a rookie cop turned special agent who became the best man for even the worst zombie outbreak. He’s so badass he starred in two movies (Degeneration, Damnation). But what’s amazing about Leon, aside from his jaw-dropping talent for executing survival tactics like a thing of beauty, is that he’s a flirt and has a honed sense of duty and higher purpose.

2. Dante (Devil May Cry series)

Then there are those days you want a rebel. And it doesn’t get any more rebellious than the spawn of an angel and a demon. Dante (from the DMC Reboot) is foul-mouthed, arrogant and shameless, but he holds it all back just enough to give off a vibe that says he’s just there to do what needs to be done. Even if it’s done with the most bad-boyish attitude, you can tell that he cares and that he gives… any type of authority a well-endowed middle finger. And likely one hell of a pounding for everyone else. For the love of God please be a bisexual.

3. Ratchet (Ratchet and Clank series)

This one’s for my Furry friends. I know you love the ears as much as the rest of this Lomax. There was a time in our youth when games were defined by a generation of cute characters, but there’s no denying that the space adventurer known as Ratchet has grown with us into a surprisingly human-like young hero with a heart set on a mission. One can’t say if it’s the value he puts into friendship that he shares with his little bot-buddy Clank, his very telling eyes or how dimensional he feels, taking into account the evolution we’ve seen of his character over the past 13 years. But apparently he had enough charm to make the leap to big screen later this year in his first movie, Ratchet and Clank! Maybe we all "dig the ears" as he would say.

4. Kilik (Soul Calibur series) 

I like a guy with a big stick. I also love a guy with a huge dick, but that’s not why Kilik made the list (or so he told me to say). Kilik, like so many weapon-wielding warriors from cultures around the world, was one of many destinies changed forever when a sword possessed by mankind's violent urges drove his temple mad. For the next 20 years of the series, his story would be distinguished by his strong will, sense of justice and quest for redemption, purity and enlightenment. But he has arguably become the symbol of the staff-fighter in games, combining the beauty of the staff with the beauty of the male body in motion with it.

5. Kratos (God of War series) 

Kratos would be the definition of an angry top… And I’ll be the first to admit that I hate Kratos. But DAMN all the stuff he could do to me! The insatiably vengeful and eternally enraged deliverer of death to the Olympian Gods, Kratos is merciless and ruthless in taking what is his. There was also the notorious side-game of him destroying some “pussy” off screen, so you can only hope, it being Greece and all, that he wouldn’t be opposed to using up some man-pussy too, if presented the opportunity. He’d give new meaning to being “used and abused”.

6. Nathan Drake (Uncharted Series)

Nate is a dream. And he’s living the dream of the world’s greatest adventurer, like the inscription on his necklace that he stole as an orphaned boy off the streets of Columbia says, “Greatness from Small Beginnings”. Just wanting to make a name for himself, he pulls off amazing feats of daring and courage while searching for lost cities or priceless treasures. Cocky, with the sharpest wit, an ass-kicker but adorably naïve, Nate is a man who also stole the hearts of young men like myself worldwide. If only I could meet a man like that – that’s what my dreams are made of. 

Sources: Capcom, Capcom, Insomicac, Bandai-Namco, Sony Computer Entertainment, Sony Computer Entertainment