The Department of Homeland Security has deemed a gay “dating site” (a.k.a. a very thinly veiled male escort website) called Rentboy.com a danger to America (no doubt believing an invasion of millions of well-armed/well-hung male escorts will overrun our shores) and closed the site down on August 25. Then, believing that to kill a (penis-sized) snake, you cut off its head, DHS went after Rentboy’s CEO, Jeffrey Hurant, and charged him with racketeering – like the government’s over-funded agencies (e.g. DHS) aren’t one big racket.

Prior to this well-publicized PR event, DHS sent an agent to Mr. Hurant’s annual Hookies Awards bash, which honors pros in the oldest profession. There, the undercover agent (no word if the agent was “coached” by a DHS superior on the gay lifestyle and wore black leather chaps, held an Antiques magazine and hummed “Over the Rainbow”) asked Hurant how he got started, to which the Head-Giving Honcho replied, “Have you ever had sex with anyone and it was so good, you had to tell someone? That’s what it’s all about!” Unfortunately, Mr. Hurant should have done what Rentboy’s escorts do: keep the mouth closed at the right time. After all, when you’re running an escort service and its motto is “Money can’t buy you love… but the rest is negotiable,” it’s better to have an escort shoot in your mouth than to shoot your mouth off about escorts.

But why is DHS making a stink over some guy finding a twink – and why now?

Homeland’s website notes that “The Department of Homeland Security has a vital mission: to secure the nation from the many threats we face.” A real threat is a website that Homeland justifiably closed down that did heavy drug trafficking and hired hitmen; namely Silk Road; which was worth $1.2 billion. In contrast, Rentboy pulled in $10 million over the past five years, which is less than what an average McDonald’s franchise generates, despite the fact that Rentboy’s meat is tastier – and younger. Silk Road deserved to be closed, but why close down Hershey Highways if one or more cash-paying adults want them to be opened? Would the whole investigation be initiated if Rentboy’s satisfied customers included Jeh Johnson, DHS’s Director, or a political bigwig (please God – let it come to pass that John Boehner is into sex slings). This mysterious right-wingish, Republicanish episode makes one wish the late J. Edgar Hoover were running DHS like he ran the FBI, which didn’t have any splashy gay busts while he was deep in the closet – deciding which dress to wear.

As to the “Why bust now?” part –

Could Rentboy’s shutdown be “God’s will?” Or, more specifically, the Pope’s will? That is, Pope Francis, the keeper of the furtive/flaming homosexuals called priests, is paying a visit to New York City, and gay activists believe Mayor Bill DeBlasio is trying to cleanse the city of gay sin before his holiness kisses NYC’s sacred, garbage-strewn ground. After all, there has coincidentally and recently been an increased number of tickets written by police in gay cruising areas like Brooklyn’s Prospect Park.

Could it be the Pope simply wants to get rid of Rentboy so that the forever money-making Catholic Church can create a website for their own kind, called Rentaltarboy?

One can only hope... NOT!