How does one date the German man? Being German myself, the question I’m trying to answer here is a hard nut to crack. What is it that makes Germans so utterly undateable and at the same time somehow attractive? The foreign culture? The stiff hips? That cute accent (which since Nico’s glory days as a Chelsea Girl is a scarcer and scarcer thing).

When I say Germans, I’m radically reducing them to those that live in the legendary German capital – a very specific group of people that by no means are to be mixed up with the rest of the country (at least that’s the image we have of ourselves). We here in Berlin, we are different from, let’s say, Cologne. We like to think, despite our origins coming somewhere out of a dark forest, that we stripped off our very Germanness and replaced it with something outlandish and cool. What that exactly is, I don’t know. A fair set of social skills? An aptitude for small talk? The ability to smile? But in the end, that’s not true. We’re like the rest of them. 

So what’? Flirting. And it’s bad here. Let me give you an example. There are guys who have literally danced next to me in Berlin’s famous nightclubs for years. We would see each other in a club, share a square meter on the dancefloor, might even touch for a split second and exchange a slightly starry gaze. And… no real interaction. The same shit would happen for years. We would even meet in a supermarket and do the same thing (sans dancing). Silent staring, coy touching… conflicted, internal passion.

This is some kind of perverted game I agreed to go along with, because I couldn’t find a reason to say “Hi”. I have said hi, I’ve tried flirting and I’ve talked to guys I just met, and sometimes there are some poor souls out there that really go for the socially awkward game that Germans mistake for flirting. I also admit that I think this perverted game is sexy, but that just proves how deeply twisted flirting culture in Germany is. Nonetheless, in the end, we are just men who fuck men and somehow we have to interact to get what we want. 

The truth is: Germans just don’t know how to get in touch. If you are into a guy and he behaves like this (creepy look in the eye but looking away when you look; no smile, but body language signals interest; dancing in the same area as you do in a club for years), all this means is that he actually is interested, just unable to express it. But there you go: you’ve hooked a German. Now that you broke through the first barrier, know this: there are different kinds of German guys (obviously). They are unfortunately not distinguished by their individual personalities, but by the various striations of how un-German they are. The less German, the more talkative, flexible, interested and open-minded. These factors go along with the time spend in Berlin as an adult. Those guys born in Berlin, well, they are kind of ahead, but then again, they are German in the end, too. Be ready for some incidental racism. Be ready for scheduling a date two weeks in advance. Be ready for whatever seems awkward to you as just a product of a German mind trying to control its surroundings.

With Germans, one has to invest. They play tough, but in the end, they really just want to cuddle. They play hard to get. If you’re lucky enough to get in touch looser ideas of masculinity you’ll discover a genuine sense of humor. But the more masc they think they are, the less liberated they will be.

And when it comes to the language… well, it might seem like you have to impress them by quoting Goethe, but don’t even try, unless you have virtually no accent. Don’t try to get the genus of words correct when you speak German. Germans reproach and correct harshly, and if being dominated is not your thing, it will be a big turn off. You’ll never be able to psychoanalyze our language or our behavior. 

We like to pretend that we are logical, but we are just lost in a system we didn’t set up. It’s just the one we know best.

Image: Lushmug