Jun 21, 2015

Secretly Gay Movie Characters: Gay the Force Be With You

Let’s be real, Star Wars has always been a little gay (your secret is out, boys). Most of us are well familiar with the series that centers around a predominantly male cast traveling in several cockpits through the universe, sword-fighting one another with their long, phallic light sabers.  I never looked much deeper into the series’ homoeroticism until I recently re-watched The Empire Strikes Back.

Now watching the film with my homo-goggles securely on, I noticed our gayest character in the form of Lando Calrissian, portrayed by Billy Dee Williams. Why talk about this now? Well, I rewatched the movie in preparation for the series reboot this December. Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, starring Adam Driver, John Boyega, and Daisy Ridley is set to hit theaters on December 18th of this year and takes place 30 years after the events of Return of the Jedi. I'm very excited for the first installment in the new Star Wars trilogy, but I digress, let's get back to our gay ambassador, Lando Calrissian.

Our resident intergalactic queer, Lando, is first introduced to the viewers through a conversation between Chewbacca and Han Solo (a dashing Harrison Ford) as they are flying towards Cloud City. Solo reassures Leia that there is nothing to worry about regarding a new ally and his allegiance because the two of them “go way back” (probably all the way back to Han’s experimental phase).
As the rebels land in Cloud City they are greeted by a fabulous man who sashays towards them in a billowing blue and gold cape – enter Lando Calrissian. This is followed by a bit of play fighting between Lando and Han which, let’s face it, is basically the phenomenon of the bromosexual frat bro. The boys settle down and Lando hurls himself at Han for a strong embrace, “How you doing you old pirate, so good to see ya!” C3PO and Leia instantly notice Lando’s huge bro-boner for Han commenting on how “very friendly” Lando is with him.

It is clear Lando turned Han out at least once in their long “friendship” and seeing him again refreshed those memories. During their tour of Cloud City, Lando stops and looks at Hans, “You know, seeing you sure brings back a few things.” Han then places his hand on Lando’s shoulder as they gaze into each other’s eyes.  A simple “Yeah” is uttered from Han’s lips and the two continue walking. It’s clear to me that this straight boy once enticed by Lando is no longer a meat eater.

Lando’s homosexuality is again clear through his extravagant and sonorous attempts at courting Leia. Upon meeting her, Lando’s voice drops several octaves as he introduces himself and kisses her hand. The ever familiar voice change is reminiscent of many-a-gay’s attempt to pass at being heterosexual by deepening the voice. Lando continues his flattery of Leia: “You look absolutely beautiful. You truly belong here among the clouds.” Han, knowing that Lando doesn’t swim in the lady pond, actually has to look away from this embarrassing scene because he knows (from experience) that his friend is strictly dickly.
After Lando gives Han over to Darth Vader (still scorned over his unrequited love, no doubt) Chewbacca reacts angrily over the betrayal of his co-pilot. The Wookie chokes Lando aggressively, bringing him to his knees. After telling Chewbacca that there is still a chance to save the beloved Han, Lando is released from the chokehold and instantly rises to his feet. Such a quick recovery shows me that this wasn’t the first time (or the last) that Lando has been choked or forced to his knees by a bear.

Throughout “The Empire Strikes Back” Lando Calrissian’s homosexuality is undeniable. The relationship he had with Han Solo, his disingenuous flirtation with Leia, and his experience with dominant bears clearly depict Lando as the Rebel Alliance’s resident queer. And as any real Star Wars fan will tell you, Leia may be the princess but Lando Calrissian is the queen.

by Brian Salem

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And who the hell am I? If you’ve been following the blog at all, you may have wondered out of which horny hole this perverted punk has stepped. I won’t reveal too much – a bit of mystery is sexy, right? But a few things may be in order.

First, I was born in that part of the world that most people think is actually Canada, but it’s not. I was born in Alaska. Who would have thought that place could produce more than oil and Sarah Palin – two decidedly unsexy things.

Second, I’m no stranger to sex on screen. I appeared in two arty porn films with DVD releases: one in San Francisco and one here in Berlin. There may be other footage of me out there, but if so, I don’t know where. And yup, I moved to Berlin from gay ol’ San Francisco, where I learned to be a proper fag and how to be a writer all at the same time.

There’s more from San Francisco coming your way via Dandy Dicks, so stay tuned.

But I left San Francisco. And took my heart with me. Five years now in Berlin and I can’t think of a better place to be. I’ve been making it here as a writer ever since and I’m happy to report there’s no going back.

I think I’ve given you enough of the basics. More you’ll just have to find out either through this blog or a little Google. But I hope with that you stick around Dandy Dicks – for this blog and of course, the boys!

Walter Crasshole