Dandy Dicks presents a different kind of astrology. Every month, the lucky bastard isn’t the one with the forthcoming birthday, but everyone else. As each star sign progresses through the year, we’ll tell you how to land some star-struck man. This month: How to win over, romance, and seduce a gay Piscean man.

Everyone has an astrological sign. Whether it be the effeminate twink trying to find a sugar daddy or the muscle-bear walking around in a leather bondage mask, we all share certain commonalities, interests, vices, and sexual fetishes based upon the month of our birth.

For this astrological month (February 19-March 20), Pisces the Fish rules supreme. So if you have your heart set on hooking a sexy Piscean man, allow the Dandy Dicks team to give you a few tongue-in-cheek tips and tricks to get this aquatic zodiac wet over you.  

Artwork: Alfredo Roagui

The Good

Pisces are the quintessential daydreamers. They see the world through fabulously rose-tinted bohemian glasses and don’t let little things like negativity or the harsh light of reality distort their idealistic world view. Because they are always trying to see people as how they could be, they are very compassionate. This leads them to often date down since they can see the potential and best in anyone. So if you’re shy, physically ugly, or just ugly on the inside, start by getting to know a Pisces, as he will look past all of the mistakes as he will only see the good you, not the real you. And the Piscean man is very intuitive, knowing what’s wrong without having to be told, so, basically, he’s a passive-aggressive boy’s dream.

Artwork: Michael Sanderson

The Bad

Before you get too excited that you found a sweet Pisces man to take all of your abuse, keep in mind that he’s got plenty of vices of his own. Particularly, he’s an escapist. When the pressures of reality start to overpower his idealism, he starts to lose it. So be sure to every so often check his arms, between his toes, and all of your valuables to see if he’s escaping through drugs again. And be sure that he gets tested regularly since he’s also known to fuck the pain away through sexual addiction when drugs are either too expensive or too against his D.A.R.E. upbringing.

The Sexy

The Piscean man’s erogenous zone is his feet. Yes, he’s got a thing for big, sweaty, manly soles. And if he says otherwise, then he’s either lying because he’s embarrassed of it or he just hasn’t experimented enough to realize that he has a foot fetish. And that goes for his feet, too! Don’t make him do all the work; suck his toes clean, let him give you a foot job, and watch him fall madly in love with you.

As an alternative, Pisceans also love some roleplay. Join in on his fantasies by acting out a scene with him, improvising a sexy scenario, or even renting a good old fashioned Village People costume to bring to the bedroom.

How to Attract a Pisces

Like finding a good piece of real estate, finding a good piece of Pisces is dependent upon location, location, location. His extreme intuition makes him susceptible to his environment, so keep the first encounters relatively simple. Secondly, be patient! Piscean men can be terribly flighty and are pretty much the gay equivalent of patchouli-burning hippies. But don’t be jealous; his mind may wander, but not his eyes. Lastly, keep the topic light. World-weary and mopey cynics the likes of Hamlet or Daria Morgendorffer are total turn-offs to Pisces and are sure to drive them away back towards chasing the pink dragon once again.

Artwork: Matt Howorth

What to Expect on a Date

Lots of conversation, especially about hypotheticals. “What if” and “Would you rather” games are to be expected. What’s not to be expected is him picking up the bill. Even if he’s old enough to be your father and carries around an American Express Black Card in his wallet, he’s not going to do it. And if you make him do it, the date stops being a fantasy and becomes ugly reality once more.

But don’t take it personally, Pisces isn’t materialistic by nature, so money doesn’t cross his mind often. On the flip-side, expensive restaurants don’t impress him much, either, so if you’re a cheap date, you’re in luck! And yes, Pisces fuck on the first date. It doesn’t matter if you’re runnin’ game on him; he enjoys the game. So long as you keep up the fantasy, a Piscean man is all yours any which way you like, limited only by both of your own idealistic fantasies.

Sources: Alfredo Roagui / Meaws, Unicorn Booty, The Holiday Spot, Cakehead Loves Evil, Doettler, Old Stuff Magazine