Dandy Dicks presents a different kind of astrology. Every month, the lucky bastard isn’t the one with the forthcoming birthday, but everyone else. As each star sign progresses through the year, we’ll tell you how to land some star-struck man.

This month (March 21st – April 20th): How to win over, romance and seduce a gay Arian man. So if you have your heart set on winning over a sexy Aries, allow the Dandy Dicks team to give you a few tongue-in-cheek tips and tricks to get this warrior-minded zodiac sign competing for your attention.

The Good

Aries is the warrior jock of the zodiac. Aggressively athletic, he sees life as the competition it actually is and obsesses over being #1. Fortunately, this single-minded focus to show everyone that he is better at everything often does drive him to achieve success. And as an alpha male man’s man, he expects the same from you. He’s looking for a trophy husband, someone who looks better than, is more successful than and is more talented than everyone else. . . except himself, of course. So if you’re shy, have any slight imperfections or just haven’t accomplished anything of note in your life, then you’re not the best and therefore not worthy of an Aries. And rather than bitch about his selectiveness, use it as fuel to get off your ass, work out and go better yourself to actually BE the best.

The Bad

Aries is definitely that bad boy frat bro who gets on our nerves, and yet we still go home and masturbate to his shirtless Instagram photos because he’s just so damn sexy. He’s brash, says what’s on his mind, and doesn’t care about your feelings. He said something offensive? That’s your problem – toughen up and stop being so sensitive. He pointed out that you’re a loser? That’s your problem if you haven’t actually done something with your life. Keep in mind that he’s not trying to be mean; he just prefers to call it how he sees it rather than politely lie and ignore your unaccomplished life of weakness.

Also, the symbol of Aries is a ram, which is fitting, since he tends to rush headlong into a situation without any forethought. Basically, he’s the kind of guy who will shoot first and ask questions later, but there won’t be anyone alive later to ask any questions – because he’s obviously the best at shooting. And if he digs himself into a hole, he’ll just keep on digging and making things worse rather than ever admit he is beaten.

The Sexy

Who doesn’t like an athletic physique that exudes masculinity, confidence and aggressive sexual passion? These Arian men awaken the straight-boy fantasy we all have. In the bedroom, they are often total power-tops and take charge of the situation. And in their determination to be #1, they are going to make damn sure that they are the best lover you have ever had and will ever have.

And the Arian man’s erogenous zone is his head, not the one poking your prostate but the one where his brain is located… although, since we’re talking about an Aries, that probably isn’t the most specific description. Regardless, be sure to grab a fistful of hair and pull back in ecstasy to show him how his lovin’ is more than your body can handle. And be vocal about him fucking you better than anyone else, even if it’s a lie.

How to Attract an Aries

Be the best. Period. The moment an Aries sees you, he’s judging your worth. Any sign of weakness, passivity or mediocrity is an instant turn-off with no hope of recovery. So be sure to be ultra-confident, walk around like you own the place, and never let him see you sweat. Fortunately, you don’t necessarily have to be THE best, you just have to be better than everyone around you. So, if you’re set on seducing a warrior Aries man, be sure to bring along your ugly friends, poor friends and anyone else whose life is noticeably more pathetic than yours. In doing so, you’ll always stand out as #1.

What to Expect on a Date

Lots of competition and showing off, especially any physical activity he knows he’s good at. If an Aries is giving you the time of day, you know he’s interested. And to keep him interested, talk shamelessly about your accomplishments and challenge him with friendly wagers and games of ‘truth or dare’. But be sure never to prove that you’re better than him, even if you are. Give him a challenge, but always let him win. Oh, and sex on a first date is mandatory. He’s not going to wait till date #2 to find out if you’re #1 in the sack. All in all, Aries is the embodiment of everyone’s masc-4-masc fantasies, and if you’re OK with always being in 2nd place compared to him while simultaneously being #1 compared to everyone else, you just might have what it takes to tame this aggressive, bad-boy warrior and make him your personal guard, devoted only to you.

Sources: Funnycrave, Zetaboards, Bagira34, Pinterest, Living the Wiccan Life, Listverse