It’s a reality all gay men face: once you’re hooked onto something you oh-so like, you can’t keep your hands off it. But we’re talking about virtual reality here. And, yeah… the same rules apply. I’ve aligned my crosshairs more on the men than my objective in video games many times, but I’m willing to sacrifice a life or two for some of the hunks of the digital world. Doesn’t matter if I’m gawking at cells or pixels; a sexy pixel is a sexy mother-fucking pixel, m‘kay? Here’s an expansion pack for those who enjoyed the last batch.
No one likes a man with issues, but Isaac from Dead Space is my messed-up pet project. Fucked up, but still so fuckable. Certainly fuck-with-able. So, have you ever had that desire to fix someone, to be that one person he needed so badly? It’s called the Florence Nightingale effect, and Isaac’s touching desperation to find his girlfriend won my heart… to find her alive somewhere in a spaceship overrun by horrific reanimations of what was left of the crew’s bodies. Since day one, that’s been his existence: never a moment of rest, always alone, constantly betrayed yet hopelessly kind. Respect to you my breatha. That’s loyalty, and it’s so sexy. Also, the camera’s constant fixed view of his skin-tight suits hugging that smooth moving frame was always nice eye candy to play t-Oh fuck I died again.
Everyone loves a hero, and Link fits the bill of your iconic legendary one. Cute and adorable for the boys. Or handsome and gallant for the men. So many Links to choose from: one for every queen who’s a princess in need of rescuing at heart. Link is timeless and has no shortage of the courage needed to take on the most formidable monsters. He has such a big heart he has three, as humble as a “Yes or No” dialogue option and is so shy he’s completely silent. But his prince-of-the-woods charm more than makes up for it: the way he wears that cute little green that, those golden locks, his tunic that begs for more than just a peek and that… BIG. LONG. MASTER. SWORD. (Fangasm) Oh Link!
After 30 years, Konami decided that Castlevania was due for a reboot, so in the new series, Lords of Shadow, fans were introduced to a Dracula-slaying archetype that we were all familiar with – a knight carrying the surname of Belmont: Gabriel. He was beautiful, gentle and righteous but had a frailty about him: his heart was burdened, but he believed that his faith in God and love for his wife would lead him down the right path. Little did we know that not only would he would pay the heaviest price for his great deeds, he was also destined to become the very monster we had been slaying for 30 years, Dracula himself. (Talk about a stake through the heart, Konami). “I cannot die. Yet, I cannot live.” In the new series, we would only see Gabriel fall deeper and deeper into an abyss of irredeemable self-loathing: a hollow shell of a monster abandoned by everything he believed in, unfeeling and void of a soul. For any gamer who holds within them the same righteous spirit, the sad irony of Gabriel’s story is weighty and only makes your heart weep for him like the most tragic of characters in storytelling.
Even if he’s not quite human, if he’s got the moves, if he’s got the charm, he’s got my attention… or at least I thought he did because he ROBBED ME BLIND. What did he steal?? My heart. Master thief of France and oh-so devilishly clever, Sly Cooper is a descendent of a long line of thieves from every era and part of the world. I’m not sure if it’s that smooth-talking voice, those wickedly fast and slick moves or the even quicker wit, but Cooper is an unforgettable personality in the gaming world. This is a gaming mascot with tons of charisma – thanks to the intersection of great humor, excellent writing and so much staying power, he will be seeing his first feature film in 2017.
“The constant partner of sex, the other side of the same coin is... death. Sex is death. It's a leap into the void, the great loss of self. The tiger in space. A plea for annihilation.” – Kaufman, Silent Hill
Deep, huh? Well, how’s this for deep: Silent Hill is a town that exists in a multiverse occupied by both holy and satanic energies where everything becomes a manifestation of our subconscious sexual desires and psychological tormentors. It’s a town where we’re challenged to survive in the abyss of our own minds, a town that understands that our desire for sex, our fear for the flesh and even our impulse to kill are one in the same. It knows us better than we do. For example, Pyramid Head (inarguably the franchise’s most memorable and sexy tormentor) was a manifestation of one character’s heavy guilt and frustrated libido, which existed merely to senselessly kill and brutally rape. Arguably, something’s to be said about a monster that viscerally embodies all your darkest sexual fantasies and fears simultaneously – what would your tormentor be like? What would he look like? How would he intimidate you and invoke an animal fear and arousal in you like you’ve never known? Silent Hill is quite expert matchmaker in this regard.
A man who loves his kid is an attractive quality alone. But in the brutal post-apocalyptic United States that Joel lives in, love is all this man has to hold on to. And that was what The Last of Us was about: holding on to what makes us human when so little is left. Joel was a just a struggling working man and loving father when a mind-altering plague turned the country into a lawless wasteland and someone dear to him was killed by a US soldier “just following orders”. Joel’s humanity is tarnished, and he knows it, but his guarded masculinity, the obvious cracks in his psyche he makes no attempt to hide and simple southern-man vibe strike a certain swagger that’d win over any boy from the country. Let’s just hope there’s plenty for all of us – at the very least, some saved for the rest of us.
Sources: sirzayrax, Nintendo, Konami, Sony Computer Entertainment
And who the hell am I? If you’ve been following the blog at all, you may have wondered out of which horny hole this perverted punk has stepped. I won’t reveal too much – a bit of mystery is sexy, right? But a few things may be in order.
First, I was born in that part of the world that most people think is actually Canada, but it’s not. I was born in Alaska. Who would have thought that place could produce more than oil and Sarah Palin – two decidedly unsexy things.
Second, I’m no stranger to sex on screen. I appeared in two arty porn films with DVD releases: one in San Francisco and one here in Berlin. There may be other footage of me out there, but if so, I don’t know where. And yup, I moved to Berlin from gay ol’ San Francisco, where I learned to be a proper fag and how to be a writer all at the same time.
There’s more from San Francisco coming your way via Dandy Dicks, so stay tuned.
But I left San Francisco. And took my heart with me. Five years now in Berlin and I can’t think of a better place to be. I’ve been making it here as a writer ever since and I’m happy to report there’s no going back.
I think I’ve given you enough of the basics. More you’ll just have to find out either through this blog or a little Google. But I hope with that you stick around Dandy Dicks – for this blog and of course, the boys!