One of the greatest gifts that came our way this holiday season was another masterwork from the maestro of revenge cinema, Quentin Tarantino. The Hateful Eight, his appropriately titled eighth feature film, is another round of witty, pop-culture-fueled blood spatter. But with all of the gore, it’s easy to forget that his casts include some of the most drop-dead gorgeous men in Hollywood of any era. To celebrate his latest epic, we’ve rounded up eight of his hottest hunks to grace the screen. WARNING: minor spoilers abound.
A pencil-thin mustache is a dangerous game to play; most men usually just look plain John Waters creepy. Leave it to Brad Pitt to pull off the impossible, a character that has not only a pencil-thin mustache but a ludicrous Southern accent to boot. Even with these characteristics, Pitt’s Lt. Aldo Raine is the suavest soldier, or gentleman, of any kind to grace the screen in recent memory. Doubtful? Take one good look at him in that white tux and think again.
John Travolta had already been declared a bona fide sex icon thanks to the double-whammy of Saturday Night Fever and Grease, but his bizarrely alluring sex appeal was born for a new generation in Pulp Fiction. Being a hit man doesn’t make you sexy automatically, but being a hit man who can foxtrot on a milkshake date with your boss’s wife makes you sexy for life.
But of course, Travolta wasn’t the only hit man oozing attraction in Pulp Fiction. As Jules Winfield, Samuel L. Jackson gave the performance of his career as an assassin with both ‘furious anger’ and the heart of a teddy bear. He’s the kind of man who can win your heart by buying you a cheeseburger and keep things spicy with his cool-customer attitude, and so cool he can talk down a Mexican standoff.
So yes, Leonardo DiCaprio’s Calvin Candie in Django Unchained is one of the most despicably evil villains in recent memory. But has the cherub-faced Leo ever looked more suavely dangerous? Resplendent in a purple satin suit, carefully combed goatee, and an eye-catching cigarette holder, Calvin Candie is the stuff of a dandy’s wet dream. For the more kinky folks out there, the fact that he might actually murder you is only slightly off-putting.
History went out the window in Tarantino’s epic WWII fantasy, but his biggest crime was not giving the colossally attractive Michael Fassbender more screen time. As the perfectly British Lt. Archie Hicox, he wowed us first with his mustache fit for a 1970s porn god. But it disappeared as his character went undercover, revealing a jawline so sharp you could slice bread on it. If only he were on screen for more than a meager 20 minutes.
Bruce Willis’s entire career has been built around being a desirable hunk, but something about his turn as troubled boxer Butch Coolidge is almost too good to be true. A boxer on the run has bad boy sex appeal for sure, but a boxer on the run in a leather jacket on his motorcycle fighting people with a samurai sword? It doesn’t get more bad-boy sexy than that.
So yes, Michael Madsen plays something of a psychopath in this movie, but it is nearly impossible not to swoon when he comes on screen as Mr. Blonde. Dressed in the now iconic black suit and with a voice as rough as sandpaper, he is the very definition of a manly man. Just try to sit still when he says things like, “Are you gonna bark all day, little doggie?”
A dick slip in a big budget Hollywood feature is rare; rarer still is the dick slip of a gorgeous, well-chiseled hunk. Any casual fan of the male form got more than they bargained for in Django Unchained, wherein Jamie Foxx defies expectations and bares it all. But even with 19th century apparel, it’s hard to turn your eyes away from Foxx, serving much-needed justice with both swagger and style.
Sources: IFC, Pulp Fiction Wikia, Ew, Villains Wikia, IFC
by Jake Boyer
And who the hell am I? If you’ve been following the blog at all, you may have wondered out of which horny hole this perverted punk has stepped. I won’t reveal too much – a bit of mystery is sexy, right? But a few things may be in order.
First, I was born in that part of the world that most people think is actually Canada, but it’s not. I was born in Alaska. Who would have thought that place could produce more than oil and Sarah Palin – two decidedly unsexy things.
Second, I’m no stranger to sex on screen. I appeared in two arty porn films with DVD releases: one in San Francisco and one here in Berlin. There may be other footage of me out there, but if so, I don’t know where. And yup, I moved to Berlin from gay ol’ San Francisco, where I learned to be a proper fag and how to be a writer all at the same time.
There’s more from San Francisco coming your way via Dandy Dicks, so stay tuned.
But I left San Francisco. And took my heart with me. Five years now in Berlin and I can’t think of a better place to be. I’ve been making it here as a writer ever since and I’m happy to report there’s no going back.
I think I’ve given you enough of the basics. More you’ll just have to find out either through this blog or a little Google. But I hope with that you stick around Dandy Dicks – for this blog and of course, the boys!
Walter Crasshole