I’m sure you all are aware of the story of Bonnie and Clyde. The infamous duo from Texas is notorious for their many bank robberies, heists and violent altercations with police and civilians alike. Recently I, along with my trusty homogoggles, had the pleasure of watching Arthur Penn’s 1967 film on the duo, starring Warren Beatty as Clyde and Faye Dunaway as Bonnie. While watching the film, I began noticing that Clyde would have preferred Bonnie were a Ronnie, despite the two’s depiction as a couple in most other forms of media.

During the duo’s first meeting, Clyde reveals to Bonnie that he spent some time in prison and was released on good behavior (or naughty behavior, depending on whom you ask). Poking fun at the simple town Bonnie is from, Clyde asks “What do y’all do for a good time around here, listen to the grass grow?” Bonnie retorts, “Guess you had a lot more fun at the state prison.” Oh damn, was that a read? I think Bonnie is onto something here, noting that dropping the soap in the prison showers may be more Clyde’s style than the life she leads.

In what can only be described as an act of bravado, Clyde robs a corner store and steals a car to impress his new friend Bonnie. Overcome by a sexual fervor from the adrenaline, Bonnie climbs atop Clyde and begins to aggressively kiss him in the car. Clyde blocks her advances repeatedly, pleading with her to “Take it easy”, “Slow down”, and “Cut it out” before pushing her off of him and exiting the vehicle.

Wanting to comfort his now distraught accomplice, Clyde returns to the car for some esplainin’: “Now lookie here, I might as well tell you right off. I ain’t much of a lover boy.” Bonnie, girl, read between the lines, he’s just not that into you. Clyde, noting the skeptical look on Bonnie’s face, nervously backpedals. “Ain’t nothing wrong with me, I don’t like boys,” he denies, backing out of the car and awkwardly hitting his head as he gets out. Wow, Clyde, Bonnie didn’t even say anything about that, but your paranoia is speaking volumes, hunty.

Later, Clyde kills the duo’s first victim after a botched heist. Knowing his doomed fate, Clyde tells Bonnie she should get out while she still can. Bonnie refuses, as she is in love with her partner in crime (this is oddly reminiscent of a female friend of mine in high school... minus the crime spree). Realizing that he has no chance of finding a male lover now that he is a wanted man, Clyde entertains the idea of being with Bonnie and kisses her. Bonnie goes downtown to give Clyde some brain which he quickly rejects by rolling onto his stomach. My question is, what kind of straight guy refuses a blow job from a beautiful woman? A gay one.

Clyde’s homosexuality is again made clear when he fibs to his brother, Buck, about his relationship with Bonnie. Buck asks Clyde if Bonnie is “as good as she looks” to which he replies, “She’s better”. Clyde fools Buck by insinuating that he and Bonnie had sex, because if he admitted that he actually denied Bonnie’s advances, it would be clear to his brother that he was more of a pork sword than a fish taco kind of man.

Towards the end of the film, Clyde decides to bless Bonnie with his moisture missile, and the two finally have sex. Afterwards, in standard unknowledgeable gay fashion, Clyde looks for reassurance from Bonnie on his performance, to which she replies, “You did just perfect”. Their crime spree and relationship, like any relationship between a straight woman and her gay BFF, was doomed from the start, and the two are Swiss-cheesed by a flurry of bullets shortly after. Although the duo will live in infamy as gun-slinging lovers, the truth is they were nothing more than (for lack of a better term) a fag and his hag.