I’m not one to start a stereotype but—what’s with married heterosexual men and their canned big game hunting missions? Does one have to get a hetero license along with a hunter’s license? First, there was super-hetero-macho-but-still-a-draft-dodger Dick Cheney accidentally shooting his friend Harry Whittington on a canned quail hunt in Texas. Or maybe Dick was seeing his lesbian daughter Mary’s face when he pulled the trigger?

Yeah, when it comes to hunting, a hetero one can say, “It’s a hetero/Ted Nugent thang, but you wouldn’t understand.”

To explain…

Cecil the Lion gets cavities put in his side by a hetero dentist who should’ve been home in Minnesota filling cavities. Then, word is out that Dr. Jan Casimir Seski of Murrysville, Pennsylvania, shot another lion with a bow and arrow near Hwange National Park, without approval and on land where it was not allowed, said Zimbabwe's National Parks and Wildlife Management Authority. Then again, Dr. Seski is a gynecological oncologist. God, you’d think after looking at pussy all day, he’d want a change of pace and not look at a much bigger pussy; but shoot say, a rhino?

Then again…

Are hetero hunter simply (gay) closet cases who hunt down and prefer the permanent company of furry animals; like some gay men hunt down and live with “bears?”

Is big game hunting the only way hetero guys can get good head; by hunting it down in hot, sweaty places, then mounting it on a wall? Granted, all head should be mounted (especially if you’re buying dinner), but by using the usual tools: alcohol, conversation, e-mail exchanges and more alcohol; not at gunpoint!

However, the differences are still stark: Gays would rather shoot the shit and get come on their hands while these hetero huntin’ guys just like to shoot and get blood on their hands.

For instance, when, say, George Michael went on a hunting expedition in a hot enclosed space, he only shot his load—and possibly his career. As Jerry Seinfeld said: “Jews don’t do camping...”

…and gays don’t do big game hunting.

You don’t hear Elton John announce, “For every lion me and my husband kill, we will donate $1 million to AMFAR.  Frankly, instead of a ‘Big Game Hunt,’ I’d rather go on a ‘Big Gay Hunt’ –armed with only my wit, charm and millions of dollars behind me.

Then again, both groups have the following in common:

Some hetero hunters love to make glorious holes.
Some gays love glory holes.
Some hetero hunters love going into the thick of the jungle, where they look for the king of the jungle.
Some gays love going into the thick of an urban jungle; where they look for the queen of the jungle.
Some hetero hunters pay dearly to find the right animal.
Some gays pay emotionally after finding the wrong mammal.
Some hetero hunters pay $54,000 to set up camp in a faraway land.
Some gays pay to find someone who is campy in a faraway land called “California.”

But, after the web finds who is a naughty hetero hunter and cause their Yelp account, website and career to get shot to hell, wouldn’t it have been better if married hetero hunters stick to what they know

Like…

Trolling on Ashley Madison and hiding their real sexuality—deep in the darkest part of a closet.

Photo: Mathias Appel / Flickr