While entertaining gay men was likely not one of Walt Disney’s goals when designing Disneyland, he and his team of Imagineers managed to do just that. You don’t have to go on just their annual gay days either. In fact, I’m going to show you how Disneyland is more gay-friendly year-round than an entire JoAnn’s Fabrics. Pay the $15 parking fee and join me as we tour the Magic Kingdom and learn how to turn it into our own Jungle Cruise-ing bar.

Enchanted Toke-y Room

Here’s the thing: In order to fully appreciate Disneyland and give yourself over to the magic, you have to be stoned. If you’re living sober, that’s fine and I applaud you for going on that journey, but experiencing Disneyland is so much better when you’re stoned. The fireworks will make you cry, the corndogs will be the second-best wieners you ever taste and the children will annoy you less. You can either blaze in the parking lot or take my recommendation and bring plenty of edibles. They look like real treats and you can stuff them in your backpack, or fanny pack for  you hipsters.

Be Their Guest

The classic dilemma, go to Disneyland or California Adventure first? It’s a veritable Sophie’s Choice if Sophie were trying to decide between Southern California theme parks. Well, Soph, I say, hit up Disneyland first. It’s going to get crowded later in the afternoon, so you’ll want to escape to the always less congested California Adventure. Also, California Adventure sells the booze and you’ll want to save that for the afternoon since you’re tripping on edibles right now and feeling great. And take this quieter time to check out the Disneyland-themed kitchenware on sale at the shops on Main Street, U.S.A. Nothing is gayer than browsing themed kitchenware.

Someday My Prince Will Come On My Face

Yes, Disneyland has great rides, but the real attraction for those in the know are the hot dads. Disneyland has more hot daddies than all the leather bars in Los Angeles. You want nice asses clad in cargo short realness? Head to Toon Town! You want surfer dads in shoulder and bicep-revealing tank-tops? Better run to California Screamin’. Basically, no matter where you turn, you are going to find hot dads. I also recommend the Instagram account “DILFS of Disneyland” to satisfy all your father figure needs in the meantime.

Meat and Greet

Spend hours looking at cosplayers in skin-tight latex? Great, me too. And now Disneyland has gotten into the “guys with great bodies who dress up in body-hugging costumes are hot so lets look at them in public” game by introducing Marvel superhero meet-and-greets in Tomorrowland’s Innoventions building. Sure, you have to wait in line, but you get to meet Captain America and Thor! Unfortunately they are not shirtless, but that’s no reason to not ask Thor about handling his hammer. It’s cool, innuendos are huge in Asgard.

Putting the Member in Cast Member

You want to see a man in a position of power who’s also wearing ass-hugging pants and suspenders? Better go on Big Thunder Mountain Railroad. From cowboys to funeral home directors, there’s a cast member in every kind of fetish wear imaginable. And since they’re all under the spell of Disney Magic they have to be nice to you, so flirt away.

Splooge Mountain

Now that you’ve seen plenty of hot guys, you’re probably horny. What to do? Get thee on the Haunted Mansion! There are plenty of dark areas in the ride to not only make out with abandon but also grope your pals! If you’re afraid of ectoplasm, ride a barge over to Tom Sawyer Island. Not only does no one ever go there, but it’s filled with plenty of hidden nooks and crannies where you can show off your very own Hidden Mickey. 

A photo posted by Marita (@maritanotmerida) on Jul 16, 2015 at 7:01pm PDT

It’s a Bar Crawl World After All

It’s time to head over to California Adventure and experience the best booze on the resort. You can go upscale at the Carthay Circle Lounge and imbibe vintage drinks from the 30s or hit up the WeHo of California Adventure: the Cove Bar. This place has all the atmosphere of a Hamburger Mary’s and seems to be a favorite of older gay men – it’s basically Palm Springs. 

A photo posted by ???? Sareb3ar ???? (@sareb3ar) on May 23, 2015 at 5:37am PDT

What’s the (T)ea Party

Ready for a foam party? Head over to the Mad Tea Party! It’s as close to a high energy dance club that you’re going to get in Disneyland. They have great DJs and bands, and they also offer specialty cocktails. There are also a lot of pre-teens around, so you might want to stick to the edges and just drink and dance with your friends. I’m not going to tell you how to live your life! 

Of course, this is just the tip of the Matterhorn when it comes to the gay side of Disneyland. Whether you’re a bear, twink or you reject the notion of labels altogether, there’s something to do for everyone. But seriously, go stoned, it’s the best. 

Sources: Patrick Pelletier (Flickr), Dave Q (Flickr), DILFs of Disneyland (Instagram), Disneyland, Loren Javler (Flickr), Brett Klger (Flickr)