As summer movie season comes to a close, it’s time we say goodbye to the superheroes and franchises and say hello to more highbrow fare, like The Danish Girl, which stars Eddie Redmayne as a trailblazing transsexual (there has never been a phrase more highbrow than “Eddie Redmayne as a trailblazing transsexual”). So let’s dive into some of the more notable fall releases and judge them on the following criteria: What’s it about, will people be talking about it, and will it get you off?

STONEWALL (September 25) 

What’s It About? The story of the Stonewall riots, the Batman Begins of the gay rights movement. 

Will People Be Talking About It? Read a gay blog much? They already are! People are mad that the trailers and poster make it look like the Stonewall riots were spearheaded by a bunch of well-scrubbed white men. But maybe it’ll be good – I mean, it is directed by Roland Emmerich, the master of understated elegance behind Independence Day and Godzilla (the 1990s one, not the good one that came out last year).

Will It Get You Off? Maybe? The lead looks like an American Eagle model, and I’m guessing Roland will dole out a butt shot or two, but this looks to be a decidedly penetration-free movie.

See it or Skip it? Skip it! If I want to see gay people made palatable for the masses by removing any hard edges, I’ll watch myself at my parents’ house.

FREEHELD (October 2)

What’s It About? Well-meaning, based-on-a-true-weepie starring Julianne Moore as a lesbian dying of cancer, fighting to leave her pension to her partner (Ellen Page).

Will People Be Talking About It? Your Aunt Rene will be.

Will It Get You Off? God, no! 

See It or Skip It? I’m going to say skip it. I’m sure it’s fine, but Jesus Christ, this movie seems very proud of itself. Why are all these gay movies so bland-looking? I like my queer movies to be queer themselves, like Hedwig and the Angry Inch or anything by John Waters. Gay movies are so afraid to offend anyone these days, and movies like Freeheld are the result. 

STEVE JOBS (October 9)

What’s It About? The story of the man who gave us the technology to look at porn from the comfort of a bathroom stall.

Will People Be Talking About It? Probably! It stars once-and-future Magneto, Michael Fassbender, and is written by the master of the walk and talk and talk and talk, Aaron “pass the razorblade” Sorkin. 

Will it get you off? Normally anything with Fassbender is stroke-worthy, but this looks to be a decidedly unsexy affair. Here’s hoping we get at least one scene of him in a black turtleneck… and nothing else!

See it or Skip it? Skip it! The man’s corpse is barely cooled and we’ve already had two biopics dedicated to him. My grandpa killed two Nazis in WWII, and he hasn’t even had one movie made about him. For shame, Hollywood!

PAN (October 9) 

What’s It About? A story about the boy who never wanted to grow up, which could be everyone in West Hollywood, but in this case it’s that lovable sprite Peter Pan! 

Will People Be Talking About It? Probably not. The trailers make this look like Hook by way of Baz Luhrman, a.k.a. an acid-fever dream that won’t shut up. 

Will it get you off? Possibly! Garret Hedlund in skintight spandex was the only thing that made that last Tron movie watchable, and here he stars at a young Captain Hook. Bearded Hugh Jackman also stars as the swarthy pirate Blackbeard, but he looks like some sort of balding bird-man. Truly boner-killing.

See it or Skip It? Skip it! The only Peter Pan that’s even worked is the Disney one (sorry, 1990s kids, Hook stinks!). And this looks like another sad attempt by Hollywood to add a convoluted mythology to a character that never needed one (a.k.a. The Amazing Spider-Man effect).

CRIMSON PEAK (October 16)

What’s It About? Master designer of curly-branched trees Guillermo del Toro directs this sexy gothic ghost story starring Jessica Chastain, Tom Hiddleston and Mia “Google how to spell my last name” Wasikowska. 

Will People Be Talking About It? I sure will be! I can’t wait to see this. Del Toro has made some great supernatural movies in the past, like Pan’s Labyrinth and The Devil’s Backbone. Seeing him back in spooky mode is sure to be a real treat. Let’s just hope it doesn’t go too heavy on the CGI, because there is no such thing as scary CGI.

Will It Get You Off? I’m going to say yes! Tom Hiddleston oozes dark sex appeal, and the cast also includes an unfortunately over-dressed Charlie Hunnam.

See It or Skip It? See it! I’ll be there! We can hang out after! Also, Stephen King saw it and called it “fucking terrifying.” But he also finds errant vans terrifying so take that with a grain of salt.